Fear is an emotion, that is, it is an intense amount of energy, that will bring forth actions. It is also something that one must overcome in order to see the truth. In order to overcome fear, one must be logical and brave. To not overcome fear, one only has to flee. It's either u fight it, or u flight it.

I have a fear. It is an unknown fear. It is unknown because I'm a deep stirer. My emotions and passion runs deep. On the surface, it looks serene. Beneath the surface by a thousand feet, runs a state of violent turbulence that eventually, with time, would crack the surface. In order to not harm anyone who is sailing on my sea, naturally, i would prefer no one sailing in here.

I fear rebound.

Earlier on, i visited one of my girlfriend's blog. Her name is J. I saw her posts, all of it sounded depressing to me. Let's talk a lil about this J here. She used to have a STRING OF BOYFRIENDS, before settling on this one right now. She had a great personality, she's got those height (short), she's got those looks, she's got the brains, she's also had the guts to reject and accept. So her popularity spreaded like wild fire. Such openness wouldn't stop any guy from saying "NO" to her.

However, she had herself settled, like... 3-4 years ago. Her ex was together with her for this long. And they broke up due to "cannot see a future together" reason. HAHA. isn't it the same as mine? I only got to know this reason when i heard it from her mouth today! She called me up.

Her ex doesn't appreciate dance. J was a dancer (so was i -_-). He was a bastard who tried to stop her from dancing. J's only passion was to dance ya? Gradually a lot of differences surfaced, then J bade him goodbye. During this period of time, her boyfriend, E, was all along by her side.

E was J's "godbrother". They knew each others for around 5 years. MSN/SMS/RL.

Look, they got together after J had broken up with her ex ya?

J thought that E might be a good choice later on. She hadn't got a "resting period" for herself to think through. She went out with E and they were both very in love... However, their 6 months relationship, is now on the rocks.

Reason? There was not enough, and no deep understanding of each other. Right from the start, knowing each other as just "friends" doesn't constitute what a lover can do for u. I recalled that i used to get her calls to tell me how happy she was. Right now, she's crying everyday... I feel so much for her. I wanted to help her badly. I can't. Seeing this, I don't want to land up in her state...

What J did was a rebound.

When a lady had just gotten out of love, her tendancy to rely on another person is strong. It can get so strong that it blinded the lady herself. She may even misunderstood that FOR love. And the NEW guy may later on, be able to accept everything what this lady has! A man in love accepts all flaws of the woman he loves. Afterall, men being men, they do not really like to complicate such love matters.

For J, whom believe that she had truly loved E right now, is living in misery. WHY? Ok. This E guy, I had met him before. He's a childish brat. 23 year old. TALK TO HIM, CAN DIE. (I NO LIKE WASTE TIME ON SUCH BOYS) Is it because she chose the wrong guy to be with? *wondering* cuz he's hopelessly immature... Or is it, she chose the right guy, just that she had brought her past emotions along? (BAH! I STILL DON'T THINK THIS IS THE REASON. that guy is lousy!!!)

For myself. What do i think?

I will choose to rest for some period of time, before picking up another relationship. WHY? The reason is simple.

I want the best for him. In order to get to the best, one needs time to know what can be gathered. What needs to be changed. What needs to be corrected. What needs to be learnt. How to listen. How to truly understand. How to make the other person happy. How to further communicate. What are the ways of respecting each other. How to respect him. How to respect myself. etc. the list goes on.

Now i know why some people practice singlehood. It's good! It is a time for self-reflection!

I'd been attached all my life (if i am going to die tomorrow). Right now, in order to overcome the fear I had mentioned. I need time.

I will try to talk to J over the phone or accompany her out these days perhaps. She may need someone to kp to. =) hais... hope she feels better.

Bottom line is this.

Do not fall for the right man, with the wrong emotions.
N
Do not ever fall for the wrong man.

like this, i can be sure, i'm getting the right one, with the right emotions, all in place.

Labels: DO NOT FALL FOR THE WRONG MAN.

EXPECTATIONS SET FROM TODAY.

G@rrY, ITS TIME! (conscience defines character) says:
ic ..

G@rrY, ITS TIME! (conscience defines character) says:
but i only want to find a rich girl fren

G@rrY, ITS TIME! (conscience defines character) says:
social worker dun earn much de ha ha

<3 says:
lols

<3 says:
can also la

<3 says:
that's an alternative =P

<3 says:
but for me, i want to find a hardworking man, who got a big dream to actualise.

<3 says:
and i will believe in his dreams too, and we will work towards that common goal to succeed together. so my man, needn't be rich first, i just need him to be a man with a burning desire for success.

NOW I KNOW WHAT TYPE OF MAN I AM LOOKING FOR ALREADY.

damn. i'm just so capricorn. hahahahaa~!

I had realise, i ain't a lady who is made to live in poverty. I want to choose the kind of lifestyle i want to be in. And if i must work hard, i will, whatever it takes. If i were to choose a partner, i will choose one who believes in my dream. This man will be more than my lover, he will be my motivator, my pillar that I can achieve lifelong success together with him. Perhaps I've live my life too long, with a wrong person. The only person whom I look up to is my boss (i've got many bosses whom i look up to!).

Success to me, is to spend it together with the one you love. The one who is also your partner, in building your empire.

I'm just too practical perhaps. I ain't a romantic for words. Ayyyy..................... need this part to be done.. I NEED HELP MAN. LOL.

THERE GOT TO BE MORE TO LIFE =D.

幸福背后

那温暖　你的温度
安静的意味着那　短暂幸福
爱就算满足　却是个未知数
如果有天长地久　有多遥远　让我看见

越是幸福越害怕 怕它会结束
越拥抱　却越是孤独
没人了解的寂寞 我自己照顾
不想让你发现我凌乱的脚步 我努力跟上你的速度
不再独自感受 那幸福背后藏的辛苦

那么快　你的甜苦
如何让我的花色
爱让人喜悦就算会有变数
只要能拥有一秒有多辛苦　我愿付出

越是幸福越害怕 怕它会结束
越拥抱　却越是孤独
没人了解的寂寞我自己照顾
不想让你发现我凌乱的脚步 我努力跟上你的速度
不再独自感受
那幸福背后藏的辛苦

**********************************************

我现在就是这样了, 最好不要再次恋爱...
but well... my thinking will change with time. I couldn't find anymore other songs to describe my feelings for my disappointment with relationships. It seems like so.......... far, yet near.

A good news.

I had finally confirmed that my greatest obstacle of life is over, and i confirmed it today. From now on, i will move on with my life. I will not turn my head back ever again. The memories created before will be part of my life's teaching. I will learn how to love someone, all over again, differently. Thanks to 'u', who made me see how failed i was as a girlfriend. So in order to not let it happen again, I will first, change myself. Beyond your expectations. And this is NONE of your business forever.

No matter many times of "爱错" you played over and over, fact is, we loved each other before. But today onwards, I will love you no more. Being with you had trained my inner strength substantially. My tolerance and patience level stretched. You made me felt too fucked up beyond recognition.

I will learn to be understanding. However, each's definition of "understanding" is different. My "version" will be to accept what I had first perceive to be, and all possible aspects and areas, that require my care, my ignorance, my respect and my admiration towards it. To be understanding to people, they will first be filtered by me. If they are deem worthy, it will be a higher level of acceptance. Even if my temper is to rise, i will tell myself that.......

"If i do not understand, no one will. If i am going to be angry, not only me, but they will be sad too. They are not my enemies. They love me too. They will not hurt me. I know them as how they are now. I will continue to accept this. They can't change unless they are willing to."

by the way... this will only apply to friends. LOL SO PEOPLE, AREN'T U GUYS HONOURED?

so........ the definition for a lover, may be different. Perhaps due to my personality. Haha... so i need to practice this more with friends first before tested on a lover, probably.... hmm when will i meet my prince charming leh? I give myself some time to think about this question. Love is 很玄妙的. Better let nature take its course. =D

Well.. It's so sweet to imagine many things. But not so sweet to imagine togetherness (due to fear). LOL. imagine.............. getting yourself tied down first. and if it's the wrong man... HOW? LOL..... die lor. THIS TIME MZ OPEN EYES BIG BIG. *i'm lucky i got out*

越是幸福越害怕 怕它会结束
越拥抱　却越是孤独
没人了解的寂寞我自己照顾
不想让你发现我凌乱的脚步 我努力跟上你的速度
不再独自感受
那幸福背后藏的辛苦

my thoughts exactly. is this call low confidence? hais. smack myself la. hahahahaa. really no confidence at all. <3

TELL ME HOW TO BOOST CONFIDENCE IN THIS AREA! *comments pls, thanks!* =D

and yes. I WANNA COMPLAIN.

TODAY'S TRAINING ON COMPLIANCE AND ACCOUNTING SYSTEM SUCKS TO THE COREEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE IT'S DEHYDRATING BEAUTIFUL MEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!! >_<

Labels: 幸福背后

I was msn-ing with Lewis just now. Perhaps the things that I had shared was too painful, i felt a kind of lingering pain that clutched my heart and now i feel like i'm going to cry. ha. I need to let go of my past hurt.

There must be a reason, why i refuse to reach out to life, and befriend many other people. There must be a reason, why i have so little friends now, and am afraid to get too close with them. Through the conversation, i know the reason, finally.

My heart probably bore too much hatred and hurt that it can't shoulder more of it. I'm afraid of being betrayed. It must be an intense fear. hahaha... Perhaps those people who had betrayed me before, didn't realise how deep my scar is. I mentioned that I had forgiven them. Beneath the greatness of this statement, i knew took great courage, and strength to forgive... They did not know, that this courage was just ENOUGH TO COVER THEIR "SINS"... meaning, i am left with almost no courage and strength after I had forgiven them. I took years for my courage to build. That is because, I don't want to hate them anymore... Saying that, i know, deep inside, my fear just wouldnt go away yet.

So what if u know a person, inside out, front back, top and down? I feel that the more i know them, it seemed to threaten me more, in a way like it just adds on to my current liability. AND The more i like them, love them, cherish them, the higher the hurt they can and will cause me. The more i believe in them, the higher my disappointment is.
I choose to avoid being close.
This is the reason.

Nevertheless, now that we've grown up. I hope for a more matured friendship. I tried damn bloody hard, to open myself up. The cost of this "opening up" process, caused my tears to flow like tap. I didn't intend to cry, really, but its so painful, if i don't cry now, once and for all, it will stuck there forever. My heart will not be freed. It hinders my personal development. I can't change for the better like this.

I hope i learnt something today. If I had not learnt yet, I hope at least, i gained this awareness, and remind myself to be aware of this virtue all the time, for the rest of my life.

To Forgive is the greatest virtue. However, being me, I will forgive, but I will never forget.

Labels: Forcing myself to forgive people who caused my past hurt.

Hi hi, there's an article I want to share with you. <3

愛人先愛己

【明報專訊】要愛人，先要自愛。 ...

享受孤獨 懂得自處

如果你要人愛……

素黑說﹕「先要自愛！」她解釋自愛的定義，不是從物質上出發，不是買多少華衣美服，或吃多少佳肴便叫愛自己。這種「自愛」是對自己發自內心的愛，「你要享受孤獨，懂得自處，不怕一個人」。

能夠自愛，才可昇華去愛別人，或者被人愛。

「這樣說，孤獨和愛情，很矛盾似的，但想深一層，如果你能夠享受一個人獨處的感覺，你才可以跟別人分享愛。」

所謂「與自我獨處」，就是你願意享受一個人的空間，做自己喜歡的事，這些事情，可以簡單到不得了，好像聽純音樂、閱讀，甚至每天找一兩小時，什麼也不做，只是「hea」，總之這一段時光和空間裏，只屬於自己，不為其他人而活。「想清楚，做什麼事，會令你有自得其樂、開心的感覺，想到了，便去做，好好享受屬於你自己的快樂時光。」

懷疑恐懼 愛情負能量

懂得愛自己，可減低你對其他人愛的要求，「當你不怕一個人獨處，你便有能力跟別人分享愛。總好過你想如何抓住男朋友，又或者要纏他，不想他跟其他朋友一起，甚至害怕他被別人搶了……終日活在惶恐中，如何談得上愛人」？素黑說，一段愛的關係，是要彼此能夠分享愛，但若任何一方，經常活在恐懼中，對彼此產生的不是愛，而是負面的能量，包括，對伴侶的不信任、焦慮、心境不平靜等，這些都是愛情關係中的負能量。

愛情本身是一面鏡子，反映我們的欲望和缺失，「你想自己過得如何，便不期然要求對方這樣對你，或愛你，但你根本不愛自己時，又怎能要求對方愛你呢」？素黑說，每個人來到世上，都是一個人來，一個人走，沒什麼值得害怕，但當然有伴侶，亦是一件好事，不過，要記得有伴侶，並不等同要介入對方的空間。

她認為，很多情侶闖進對方的空間太多，自處的時間太少，產生不少負能量，經常懷疑對方，這最終只令自己吃虧。「懂得跟自己相處，即使發生什麼事，你自會落落大方面對任何事情。」她強調，人與人相處講求緣分，不論是朋友抑或愛人，有緣分的，自會走在一起，毋須太介懷在愛情路上的得失。

「不要經常想一生一世，這對自己來說，是很大的負擔，給潛意識很大的壓力，會令人很不安；面對心愛的人，應該以一種從容的心態面對。愛情，有，未必一定是好事，沒有，也不一定是壞事，隨遇而安，便活得自在。」


*Many thanks to Eric for this precious article*

Labels: motivated. thankful.