I was msn-ing with Lewis just now. Perhaps the things that I had shared was too painful, i felt a kind of lingering pain that clutched my heart and now i feel like i'm going to cry. ha. I need to let go of my past hurt.

There must be a reason, why i refuse to reach out to life, and befriend many other people. There must be a reason, why i have so little friends now, and am afraid to get too close with them. Through the conversation, i know the reason, finally.

My heart probably bore too much hatred and hurt that it can't shoulder more of it. I'm afraid of being betrayed. It must be an intense fear. hahaha... Perhaps those people who had betrayed me before, didn't realise how deep my scar is. I mentioned that I had forgiven them. Beneath the greatness of this statement, i knew took great courage, and strength to forgive... They did not know, that this courage was just ENOUGH TO COVER THEIR "SINS"... meaning, i am left with almost no courage and strength after I had forgiven them. I took years for my courage to build. That is because, I don't want to hate them anymore... Saying that, i know, deep inside, my fear just wouldnt go away yet.

So what if u know a person, inside out, front back, top and down? I feel that the more i know them, it seemed to threaten me more, in a way like it just adds on to my current liability. AND The more i like them, love them, cherish them, the higher the hurt they can and will cause me. The more i believe in them, the higher my disappointment is.
I choose to avoid being close.
This is the reason.

Nevertheless, now that we've grown up. I hope for a more matured friendship. I tried damn bloody hard, to open myself up. The cost of this "opening up" process, caused my tears to flow like tap. I didn't intend to cry, really, but its so painful, if i don't cry now, once and for all, it will stuck there forever. My heart will not be freed. It hinders my personal development. I can't change for the better like this.

I hope i learnt something today. If I had not learnt yet, I hope at least, i gained this awareness, and remind myself to be aware of this virtue all the time, for the rest of my life.

To Forgive is the greatest virtue. However, being me, I will forgive, but I will never forget.

Labels: Forcing myself to forgive people who caused my past hurt.