Btw, in case anyone's wondering why there wasn't a Chapter 13 post, it's because I HAD TAKEN IT DOWN. lalala. I dislike 13. >(

Anyway, there's lotsa updates here. Let me display my newly mastered "owl" characteristic to start categorising the topics i would like to discuss on my agenda. ><

1. Pissed off, right now (dad).
2. Pissed off, right now (mum).
3. Sister In Hospital (discharged today)
4. Job (professionalism and inadequacy)
5. Self (goal setting)
6. Love Life <3

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1. Pissed off right now at Dad.

He had this power to piss me off many times in a day, and seriously, i think he needs to get a life. Damn it. I called his mobile. Told him to help me get a book by paying for it first and I WILL PAY HIM LATER. Guess what?

- He did not pick my call up.
- He called me later on and kup my phone
- I called him back again he did not pick up again.
- He called back later on and this was what he said.

DAD - "huh? i thought your sister paid for it already?"

ME - "No? Since when did she pay things like this herself? It was me who initiated."

DAD - "Then did u pay then? No, i think your sister paid for it and i'm just supposed to collect."

ME - "I told you it was me who said about the payment! Not herrrrrr..."

DAD - "Den how much? Why that time never pay when u see her?"

ME - "How would I know I will need to pay her the moment i see her? she dun have the book that time oso. By the way, it cost like $20+. You pay first i pay u later."

DAD - "Get it done yourself. I no money!"

-KUP-

NABEI?! kns... kup my fone with I NO MONEY! kns la. $20+ nia... i say i pay u back later rite! wth... really get my nerve up. nvm. I BUY LIAO U CANNOT SEE. kns. I got to go down to LIPPO Centre myself to get that book lor. NVM. kns. Don't even know if he's serious about not getting the book or not. Darn.


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2. Pissed off at mum, just now.

Look. I was eating my maggie mee that time when she CALLED MY DAD. Dad told me to go down 10 mins later.

I asked why.

Dad said mum's coming up and needs my help to carry somethings. I said "Ok". But i added that "mum will call me when she reaches."

Usually, she does this when she needs my help. 90% of the time she'll make a call to me. OK?

I was waiting for her call. After i finished eating my noodles and drank my soup. Nope, there wasn't any calls.

Minutes later i saw mum and my sis at the door. Obviously she looked pissed off and she started shouting. Told me how heavy were those baggages she was carrying. I relented. What else can i say? She did not call me, which was really out of what i had expected. Ok. So i helped her at the door, with the baggages...

it was surprisingly light.

I told her. "not heavy wad..."

She scolded "i asked u to come down 10 mins !!! wtf u doing at home?!"

zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz KNS. U WAN MY HELP U CALL MY HANDPHONE, NOT CALL MY DAD'S HANDPHONE! U RELAYED THE MESSAGE TO HIM AND NOT TO ME! Really u know, USUALLY YOU WOULD CALL MY HANDPHONE WHEN U'RE REACHING! I had been waiting afterall, for ur call. And the baggages were light. What the hell are u shouting at me exactly? For not showing face by going down to help you? Now u turned ur back on me, it's ok. Scolded that I had done nothing at home, never wash bowls, etc. Fine. Shooted me like a machine gun, but it's ok!

I SHOUTED BACK, "I HAD WASHED ALL THE DAMN BOWLS ALRITE!"

-SLAM- i do not wish to talk to u right now.


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3. Sister In Hospital

Oh yes. My sister was in the hospital for some days cause of her operation and I was really worried for her. Kinda upset when i saw her kena all the tubes poked into her flesh. Heart pain la. Afterall she's my beloved fattie cat. <3

She was admitted in the hospital like 2-3 days ago, i do not remember when... (my memory again). But the first day after her operation was so heart wrenching. The general anesthesia had worn her out. It caused her giddiness and bouts of pain. Here and there. Especially her throat. She could not drink water cause of her operation. She had bruises on her face, which swelled like a winter melon. Her jaw, her mouth, her nose, was bleeding. Tubes and needle were inserted in her left hand, one into her nasal, another one into her throat, and last, in bladder. It looked like she's just went through a major operation and looked damn vulnerable.


But what astonishes me was what she vomitted if she's "too giddy" or i "fed her too much water".

She vomitted blood.

Damn. Imagine i was there, about to cry when i saw this. I was goddamn worried. Her first puke kena my face.... Blood lai eh. Not a lot, some nia, i wiped it off. Helped her with all that i can. Her 2nd puke never kena me. But it was in the middle of the night like 2-3am. haiszz. Nvm. She ok liaos.

I took care of her for a night without sleeping. Imagine. I was sleeping beside her bed (on an armchair) till about 5am, and i was chased out by a nurse. She told me "You can't stay in here... Sorry, but can you go outside sleep?" I was flabbergasted. What can i say? Flare at her? Nope. I went out.

Lucky me. That time when i was out, the "黑社会" had retreated themselves by half. I managed to occupy just ONE SEAT and slept the night through (i thought i could)... But it was like 45 mins later, they came back, wagged their fast tongues in sonorous tones. I suffered from semi-deafness. I psychoed myself to sleep till 8.10am. I woke up. >_<.

But whatever it is, after i woke up, she looked better already. Hmmm, no giddiness no vomitings. Yesterday i went down at about 2.30am to catch a glimpse of her. Wanna make sure she's alright. Lewis drove me down. (hugs, thanks hun..). She's better.

So now about my sis? She's now at home, just discharged. Good. <3

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4. Job (Professionalism and inadequacy)

To be exact, I feel inadequate in this financial line. It seems like it's a job that i personally cannot hold myself up to.

I asked myself many times, why i hadn't been able to work efficiently. What was restricting or holding me back so much. In fact, all these answers are simply because I felt inadequate.

Inadequate in knowledge. Inadequate financially. Inadequate in contacts. Inadequate in education. Inadequate in professionalism. Inadequate in self-confidence. Inadequate in team-spirit. Inadequate in rewards/ incentive. Inadequate in feeling "needed" by my team.

There are many inadequacies.

So much so it dragged me down and I'm sinking.

I held onto Lewis, for him to open me up, and talk to me. In areas like this, there can only be someone i feel very close to me, that i allow, to let myself discover with this "someone", what i needed to do. Alternatively, I approached Yvonne. She will be one to teach me to be more "organised" from now on. I allowed her because, i really cannot find anyone as systematic as her. She's just damn organised. LOL.

In fact, i never knew myself to be this messy and have this "JUST DO IT LA" attitude, until i joined this line.

In the nutshell, I just need a system which i can truly conform. Not a system that was already set up, but I cannot blend in well.

Whatever it is, I'm trying to blend. Trying and doing it, very hard.

I just lost my motivation to carry on, somewhere. Perhaps it will really really be better, for myself to just do things on my own than in a team which i cannot really, fit into... I'm sick of this self-destructive attitude.

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5. Self (goal setting)

I clearly understands that every successful person will have something in their mind that they are fighting for. Be it for their family or loved ones, be it for self-fulfilment, be it for someone else, or something that they cherish or yearn for, right now i clearly know i cannot be successful because I truly do not know what or who to fight for. In short, I lacked a goal.

I'm in a state of delusion where I cannot find fulfilment in most things that i am doing, or had done. I lost this sense of direction for actualisation. This feeling of job satisfaction. The BINGO! feel of doing something right and being rewarded for the right application of job and soul onto what I aimed for.

I need a goal. Can someone please help me discover what i truly need to achieve?

Damn. For this. I need help. I need to bring my state back. Else, everything that was done, or still doing, really, they do not seem real to me. Just when can i get this sense of reality back to myself?

Or has things been too good to be true for me, I could not turn my back around and pick my lost limbs?

If not, it must be because I had been overexposed to cynical people, overexposed to too much criticisms and too much comments which I hadn't been able to accept psychologically, I had lost my self-confidence and my leadership trait.

Who will bring back this arcane feelings I had lost?

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6. Love Life <3

Nothing beats this. Ok. =)

My love life has been fulfiling. Very very fulfiling. I seemed like a married woman, totally attached to her husband, totally conforming and totally understanding.

For him, everything is worth it, and will be worth it. I really find this part inexplicable already. LOL.

With him, everything became easier. I slowly approach life, without much doubts as i had before. I slowly opened up my heart to people. I am transforming into someone better...

A born follower, as i am. I need a true leader whom i can follow for life. I love him to bits. =)

Labels: dad, job, lewis., mum, self, sis