*Ok, i'm gonna start with some issues that has got nothing to do with my above chapter. Yesterday i was sick, so is today. I was burning at 39.8 degrees, nearing to 40 den back to 38.9. It was so horrible. But I wanted to thank my mum for her constant care. She did not even scold me. haha. ok. so i gave up my 3 days trip to Batam; business meeting.*

Back to subject.



Preparedness.



Today i woke up with some inhomogeneous feelings. Unsettled and totally cannot blend well. This is the best way for me to really put it because there are no other words i can use to sum up my feeling - UNpreparedness.

There are may events that make me feel like that.



What am i unprepared of?

1. Relationship

2. Career

3. My said Future

What happened in the end?



All fell to place.

Why a dilemma?



Because things happened too sudden, too smoothly.

1. Relationship.

I accept one's heart without much doubt. When u trust someone totally there isn't space for u to reject. The only thing i'm most worried off is myself. My temperamental and inability to accept another man into my life in such a short time. It really seems like it was too fast although i had seperated with my ex before, 5 months, and got together back again for 2 mths then broke off clean.

I cannot understand myself even. Why did i do it. Why did i go on, with a very unclear purpose of what i want for myself. What is the exclusivity? arghhz. i have no idea. Deep in me i'm very sick of caring and sharing. This new person just makes me feel like doing it all the time. I do not know why i did it so naturally and freely and can feel super happy about it. It's weird. I wasn't like this before.

I don't even bother, if my ex lacked anything, need anything or want anything. They can fend for themselves. To this new person, it's impossible for me to feel this way. and i'm curious. i'm very pekchek eh. Why ah? =/ i can't figure it out at all. That explains first part of unpreparedness.

ALSO. I seriously feel a gap between me and him. Perhaps everything just came too soon for me to pick up any clothes to wear, when i'm just naked from r/s. This gap cannot be explained much other than he and i were from different worlds. I'm not used to it i suppose. I know that he will surely work it out. This is definite. This is what i like too. Thing is, no matter how many times he do it, with me who is still lost in the "i don't know what i want" vicious cycle, he gotta take the lead to show me what i want/ need. I do not want to waste his time though, what if in the very end, he and i don't work out? ok. let's not think too far and in such pessimism. >.<

Parents are people whom i need and want to respect most.I cannot imagine if i told them that "hey! i got a new boyfriend!!!" their reaction will kill me. i hate to hide. i totally dislike not telling them. it's respect la. now i'm like... "tou ji mo gou". zzz. If i can tell them already and they accepted this whole thing, perhaps i wil be one of the happiest person in the world lor.

2. Career

By right. I should be super confident in my career prospect. This is definite. What i'm unprepared of is just to position myself in such professional manner people will buy from me. I hate it when in my career i gained no respect from my clients. After seeing and hearing how idalene did to my client, i was ashamed. I should have taken an approach like hers. From now on, I will work on this. No more "kind and understanding and gullible approach". I will be firm and empathetic when it calls for. Thanks to idalene. =)

3. My said Future

Married at age 26. Give birth at age 30. Have 2-4 kids.

Drive a car, SLK first. Then CLK. Then when have kids alr. Drive Airwave. <3>

Stay in a flat, 5 room, in toa payoh. <3>

Get my parents a flat in toa payoh also. FUlly paid.

I hope to know many more people. In fact my dream is to set up a HOTEL. hahaha. Seems so impossible. But it's true. <3>

Anyways.

for all that i had said... i wonder if i can accomplish them. to be definite in all that i had typewritten, i will work hard now la. !!!~ JIAYOU!