I have the tendancy to take things hard when somethings told to me were impactful, and I couldn't help. Or perhaps, I could, but i wouldn't.

It spells out only one mood.

F-U-C-K-E-D U-P.

These stupid collated thoughts turned into dreams and haunt me. This is how POWERFUL that impact was. And I must still say, I WASN'T SORRY FOR ALL THAT I'VE DONE, OR HAVEN'T DO.

Some of those that were bothering me:

1. Janet and her money problem and her "i think" schizophrenia problem.

2. Kelvin and his "i think" schizophrenia problem.

3. Victor and his fucked up relationship with me before, and his current sickening actions.

4. The fucked up STI Slide that haunted me. All because, I daren't call back to my clients.

5. Job switch. I hadn't been able to bring myself to tell all my clients I had switched company.

6. Mother. Somehow if she's gonna attempt to affect me with her negativity I'm gonna shut out.

7. Money. I hadn't been doing any income generating actions lately. I know how but I wouldn't.

8. Tummy. I hope my menses come quick. I pictured babies lately. Good ones, evil ones.

9. My attitude. It just sunk to its deepest vexation. No such word as that. But understandable.

10. Childhood. It just haunt me. I feel like my childhood wasn't adequate in its JOY proportion.

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ANYWAY.

That Janet matter is driving me crazy. Each time I saw her nick on msn it really pisses me off. I don't have money to lend. Or perhaps, I DO HAVE. But i simply don't have the money to GIVE.

Lewis and I met up with her the other day. The way she talks to me seemed normal. But somehow when she told me about her "vision", it really does bother me. It seemed to me like she's having some mental problems or what but both Kelvin and her just don't look good to me.

How so?

Look, before Kel ever confessed to me, Janet told Kel that she's got this vision of Kel and herself getting married. She got this vision when she was praying in a church. There's absolutely nothing wrong with getting vision. But Kel told her to "exchange her vision" with God, in order to get together with me.

Upon listening up to this point, I will like to express my disgust to what Kel told Janet. But the thing is, Janet is a woman who loves Kel. It's definitely not a vision from God. It might be her own imagination. Even talking to Janet, she would bring up Kel to talk about now and then. I mean, she even told me before that she felt "pain" and "dislike" when Kel was splurging his money in attempt to "court me". All that I'd heard, now that another new episode of her God's Angel, it really got on my nerves that all that was done, might be done out of "mindless-ness".

Meaning

Schizophrenic Doings.

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Perhaps this God Angel Thing was done, by Kel himself.

It is HIGHLY POSSIBLE.

I wish that Lewis is right now beside me. He will surely talk me through.

I felt guilty. How so?

I know Kel as a "sensitive young man". Him who swore to get close with no other girls after me, would never had his mind changed this fast unless it's his own doing and he told me beforeeeeeeee.....

1. He nearly turned into a gay, or a woman.
2. He has bouts of depression before
3. He's got a "creative" mind
4. He is ignorant, and he listens to his mother 100% even up till now
5. He's never been in love, and in a relationship before
6. He easily "disturbed", on spiritual level.

ok.

Now that he's got so much problems. How can I not be convinced that the God Angel's thing might be his own doing?

Aiyo.

Why i take it onto myself???

Fuck man.

But I simply feel guilty. aieeeeeeeee... i need Lewis here with me badly. >_<.


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Another stupid man whom is driving me crazy.

Victor.

What is it on my facebook did you do again?

I can feel your stupid and irritable frustration but on my side, in my mind, I feel like u're going crazy and yes, YOU TOLD ME YOU WERE PRONE TO DEPRESSION BUT THAT DOESN'T EVEN CONCERN ME!

Shit. I wish I have the courage to get back at you to confront all those that you'd done on me.

Violence aside.

Mentally you had given me an entire bomb of your stupid "not able to understand what i'm talking" shit.

WORSE.

You never admit, that you were immature in your doings.

YOU JUST NEVER ADMIT THAT YOU WERE WRONG! Fine.

Stop doing anything behind my back. If you were talented enough to get hold of this blog address, SEE WHAT I TYPE AND YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN.

Stop it.

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So much hesitation and finally now i'm typing these...

TO EVERYONE :

MY FACEBOOK ACCOUNT HAS BEEN HACKED. PLEASE DELETE YOURSELVES FROM MY FACEBOOK PROFILE. THANK U.

What exactly happened had disgusted me. But the same time, it had made me felt like i've done something 100% impactful on a man who once loved me. He said he once fell for a bitch. I've not been labelled one before. But if i were to label him, he's no better than a jerk.

This HE whom i typed above is my ex - V.

Yes. I couldn't sleep whole night cuz of him. He whom declared that I had not been truthful to him, had cheated on him. Caused his studies to take a plunge. That I had destroyed him. All the humiliation I caused him. ETC. BUT FUCK, please turn around and then take that slap back. You were the one who caused it too. You ain't so innocent. Stop shifting everything to me like i've laundered ur assets, burned your house down, raped your sister, killed your family and disfigured you. Damn.

What did you do, that made you like this? Have you ever wondered?

1. You kept me when I wanted and needed to go. You insisted on keeping the relationship when both of us already had mutually understood, we're destructive.

2. You tried so damn hard to change and twist me. You know I couldn't help it. You wanted me to be in YOUR WAY, to SUIT YOU. Too bad, it didn't turn out as what it was expected.

3. My filthy mouth aside, yours isn't any better. Your use of sarcasms on me turned into insults. Yet, you have had your way to deny it through. In the end, I was left with nothing but to accept.

4. Yes, you WERE gentle before. You WERE nice to me before. You WERE my lover before. But that doesn't mean, what u said MUST BE TRUE! What u told me before, ALL OF IT, THAT I CANNOT FIND A MAN WHO IS BETTER THAN YOU, THAT I WILL NEVER BE ABLE TO CHANGE FOR THE BETTER, THEY WERE ALL NONSENSE, AND THEY WOULDN'T COME TRUE, BUT, AT THAT TIME ONLY, THAT'S BECAUSE, YOU WERE THE MAN, THEN!

5. I hadn't done you any wrong by saying ' I do not see a future with you.' We both know. I had asked you before. You too, said you couldn't see a future with me. Since we're unable to see future, why carry on? On the contrary, if i can see a very clear future with another man, what makes me a bitch for turning to another man? I don't think you're very smart at this. To further explain, I had already showed you 99% of all the breakup signals. I never thought you would be as smart as holding on to the 1%, of not letting me go.

6. You can be sued for slander by calling me a bitch, hurling all those vulgarities at me, and even bragged that you had once been violent to be before. Discount? Your attitude is incorrigible. I do not wish to really talk to someone this barbaric.

7. I had loved you before. U took this for a ride. Fine. It's ok. Afterall, we're quits. It's the END. You wouldn't wish to accept any of what i typed? It's only because you thought you were the only one putting in effort. In your eyes, what i had done before, they were practically as minute as dusts.

8. Communication breakdown. You're too long-winded and detailed. You blame me for my horrible memory. Each and single event that you had remembered and I had forgotten, you would said i had CONVENIENTLY FORGOTTEN IT CLEAN. What sarcasm! How do u want to force me to remember things that i couldn't!? Fuck up ok. You even nitpicked me on the english i used. Said my command of english sucked. Said that I couldn't coherently express what I had in mind to you. In the end, I lost all patience to talk to you, and you still carried on your old grandfather story. Hello! I'M REALLY NOT MADE TO TALK TO YOU. You knew it. And YOU TOO, couldn't stand talking to me. We both KNOW. What makes you think you don't have a problem with yourself then?

9. Graciousness seemed to cease it's existence in your mind's dictionary. You took back almost 90% of what you had from me, nvm. You even sent me an email to tell me what I owed you still. Told me u were unsatisfied with the conditions? Please. Its been years your shit stucked with me. Be grateful that none of your books were crumpled or folded. I kept them in the BEST CONDITION already. You wanna hiam, go cry alone in that corner. I ain't gonna be bothered. What layered above all covers of your stuff were just dusts. Clean it urself, will you?

10. I'm truly sorry for only one thing i did to you. I shouldn't have started with you. All those inputs and outputs of the relationship tore us down. You thought you were the victim don't you? All these years of tugging and pushing and pulling and kicking matters around, you knew that our end, is never marriage. You are just refusing to let me go.

stubborn asshole...

Labels: case of the ex.