I have the tendancy to take things hard when somethings told to me were impactful, and I couldn't help. Or perhaps, I could, but i wouldn't.

It spells out only one mood.

F-U-C-K-E-D U-P.

These stupid collated thoughts turned into dreams and haunt me. This is how POWERFUL that impact was. And I must still say, I WASN'T SORRY FOR ALL THAT I'VE DONE, OR HAVEN'T DO.

Some of those that were bothering me:

1. Janet and her money problem and her "i think" schizophrenia problem.

2. Kelvin and his "i think" schizophrenia problem.

3. Victor and his fucked up relationship with me before, and his current sickening actions.

4. The fucked up STI Slide that haunted me. All because, I daren't call back to my clients.

5. Job switch. I hadn't been able to bring myself to tell all my clients I had switched company.

6. Mother. Somehow if she's gonna attempt to affect me with her negativity I'm gonna shut out.

7. Money. I hadn't been doing any income generating actions lately. I know how but I wouldn't.

8. Tummy. I hope my menses come quick. I pictured babies lately. Good ones, evil ones.

9. My attitude. It just sunk to its deepest vexation. No such word as that. But understandable.

10. Childhood. It just haunt me. I feel like my childhood wasn't adequate in its JOY proportion.

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ANYWAY.

That Janet matter is driving me crazy. Each time I saw her nick on msn it really pisses me off. I don't have money to lend. Or perhaps, I DO HAVE. But i simply don't have the money to GIVE.

Lewis and I met up with her the other day. The way she talks to me seemed normal. But somehow when she told me about her "vision", it really does bother me. It seemed to me like she's having some mental problems or what but both Kelvin and her just don't look good to me.

How so?

Look, before Kel ever confessed to me, Janet told Kel that she's got this vision of Kel and herself getting married. She got this vision when she was praying in a church. There's absolutely nothing wrong with getting vision. But Kel told her to "exchange her vision" with God, in order to get together with me.

Upon listening up to this point, I will like to express my disgust to what Kel told Janet. But the thing is, Janet is a woman who loves Kel. It's definitely not a vision from God. It might be her own imagination. Even talking to Janet, she would bring up Kel to talk about now and then. I mean, she even told me before that she felt "pain" and "dislike" when Kel was splurging his money in attempt to "court me". All that I'd heard, now that another new episode of her God's Angel, it really got on my nerves that all that was done, might be done out of "mindless-ness".

Meaning

Schizophrenic Doings.

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Perhaps this God Angel Thing was done, by Kel himself.

It is HIGHLY POSSIBLE.

I wish that Lewis is right now beside me. He will surely talk me through.

I felt guilty. How so?

I know Kel as a "sensitive young man". Him who swore to get close with no other girls after me, would never had his mind changed this fast unless it's his own doing and he told me beforeeeeeeee.....

1. He nearly turned into a gay, or a woman.
2. He has bouts of depression before
3. He's got a "creative" mind
4. He is ignorant, and he listens to his mother 100% even up till now
5. He's never been in love, and in a relationship before
6. He easily "disturbed", on spiritual level.

ok.

Now that he's got so much problems. How can I not be convinced that the God Angel's thing might be his own doing?

Aiyo.

Why i take it onto myself???

Fuck man.

But I simply feel guilty. aieeeeeeeee... i need Lewis here with me badly. >_<.


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Another stupid man whom is driving me crazy.

Victor.

What is it on my facebook did you do again?

I can feel your stupid and irritable frustration but on my side, in my mind, I feel like u're going crazy and yes, YOU TOLD ME YOU WERE PRONE TO DEPRESSION BUT THAT DOESN'T EVEN CONCERN ME!

Shit. I wish I have the courage to get back at you to confront all those that you'd done on me.

Violence aside.

Mentally you had given me an entire bomb of your stupid "not able to understand what i'm talking" shit.

WORSE.

You never admit, that you were immature in your doings.

YOU JUST NEVER ADMIT THAT YOU WERE WRONG! Fine.

Stop doing anything behind my back. If you were talented enough to get hold of this blog address, SEE WHAT I TYPE AND YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN.

Stop it.

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