One day i woke up, looked at myself in the mirror and i decided...

I shall not crap anymore.

All else constant, i finally feel like i'm a "2nd class" compared to "normal human being".

Being a clown for the longest time in my life, where is my sense of authenticity? All along i hadn't even feel happy crapping around. Talking in those hokkein lingos and acted like i'm sucha chor lor person left me a residual feeling of emptiness and faked-ness.

I conned too many, i conned myself at last. 自欺欺人。

I need my faith back in me. Patrick Tan who made his speech made me felt overly exposed and when i mirrored back to myself, i felt like i hadn't been who i really am. To please many, i did too much to blend myself in with them. Not that it isn't good, but it's really not in my blood to go around, being a san-ba.

Many times, when people in your lives stepped into depression, or sadness or whatever it is associating with what read as "negativity", the basic human instinct is to help them get out of it.

Apparently, i hadn't done anything to make myself stay afloat; calling for help.

When i sunk, no one knows.

It is not about GETTING BACK TO OLD SELF, but rather, to let my own subconscious self, my real soul take over my conscious mind. I really feel very numbed, very tired, very confused, and truly, i don't feel real. I never displayed true feelings at 100% before. It's often leveraged with 60% or more of faked-ness.

Its time for me to recall and re-establish my own well-being again.

I'm out for a big turnaround. It will definitely be more introverted than extrovert. I'm also too tired to explain myself for what i did. I seriously despise shallow individual.

***

Labels: off track. taciturn.

It's better to lose your pride to the one you love, than to lose the one you love because of pride.

We spend too much time looking for the right person to love or finding fault with those we already love, when instead, we should be perfecting the love we give.

Saying that...

Happy 3 months to us!!!

I wish to give the above words as present to you today, I shall act as above.

I love you hun... <3

I came to realise something valuable.

If you do not know yourself well enough, sure enough, you are very likely to be seen through like a transparent glass by others who went through much more ordeals than yourself. Either which, you can least expect anyone too, to understand you.


Incidentally, no one ever shut themselves with "YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND ME!"instead of going around telling people "I DON'T UNDERSTAND MYSELF!" "

There are many reasons to why people say these.

These people hadn't been able to take control of their own life, make decisions for their life and stick with the consequence that follows on. They are people who do not take initiative, but besides initiative, they hadn't been proactive people who knows what is their end in mind. What do you see in yourself? Do you know what's your strength and weaknesses?

For me, i had more or less identified them. Theres an internal conflict with what I'm required of and what i can provide. I can't work that out. I thought, all along, there's someone who can. Apparently, it's not really in that way as I thought would be. The closer i'm being held naked and the longer i'm bring told I'm seen through, which really happened, the more i cowered with fear.

I fear myself. I fear the drastic decision and actions I will take in the end to cease such conflict. It's depressing enough to fight it alone.

It's even more depressing to see myself stark naked in the eyes of my mum. So, all along, what i wanted was to just follow a great leader. Has he came into my life already, or am i still waiting for him?

I feel stupid. Everyone whom i spoke to is telling me I'm a like total failure.



but fuck u.



I'll make my way through. whether u understand it or not, my euphoric pleasure comes in when i understand it myself more than anyone. Don't try timing my success. I'll fight this battle alone. So be it. Anyway, you will come to realise it sooner or later after I've make my actions clear. By then, there should be an understanding established already. And don't ask me. I hate to explain.

Labels: I love to be unaccountable, it's MY CHOICE.