One day i woke up, looked at myself in the mirror and i decided...

I shall not crap anymore.

All else constant, i finally feel like i'm a "2nd class" compared to "normal human being".

Being a clown for the longest time in my life, where is my sense of authenticity? All along i hadn't even feel happy crapping around. Talking in those hokkein lingos and acted like i'm sucha chor lor person left me a residual feeling of emptiness and faked-ness.

I conned too many, i conned myself at last. 自欺欺人。

I need my faith back in me. Patrick Tan who made his speech made me felt overly exposed and when i mirrored back to myself, i felt like i hadn't been who i really am. To please many, i did too much to blend myself in with them. Not that it isn't good, but it's really not in my blood to go around, being a san-ba.

Many times, when people in your lives stepped into depression, or sadness or whatever it is associating with what read as "negativity", the basic human instinct is to help them get out of it.

Apparently, i hadn't done anything to make myself stay afloat; calling for help.

When i sunk, no one knows.

It is not about GETTING BACK TO OLD SELF, but rather, to let my own subconscious self, my real soul take over my conscious mind. I really feel very numbed, very tired, very confused, and truly, i don't feel real. I never displayed true feelings at 100% before. It's often leveraged with 60% or more of faked-ness.

Its time for me to recall and re-establish my own well-being again.

I'm out for a big turnaround. It will definitely be more introverted than extrovert. I'm also too tired to explain myself for what i did. I seriously despise shallow individual.

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Labels: off track. taciturn.