- All i wanna do is find a way back into love.... -

as i hymm along this song that played on my mind, incidentally, i gathered more thoughts that seemed to clump together which wavered my emotions.

recently i do not act normally. apparently, something at the back of my head is bothering me a lot.

we were taught since young how to define happiness. somehow, it is simpler when we were younger. i stumped across many definitions which i wasn't used to be taught, those weren't taught however, had an effect on me now. i am pretty confused by the world now. i don't know if the problem lies in the influence of external factors, or am i stabbed by internal factors.

the world i live in now seemed so damn depressing.

i hate the word money. everything is measured up to dollars and cents to price it's worth. everyone slaved themselves willing to money. the world we live in is simply too practical, it does not have any space for us to be happy, without the use of money. we are not allowed to. in Singapore, although safe, stable, and peaceful, i seem too greedy to comment too much of what many people is dreaming to have; to live in peace. however, in singapore, no money = no peace.

once again. i'm upset.

once again, i'm emotional.

once again, the man who loves me, is upset by my unhappiness.

once again, i blamed myself for being greedy.

and

i'm worried...

my fear factor seemed very imminent. i'm so afraid i'll break apart cuz of money factor. it's not because he's unable to give, i just feel that i want too much. i feel so inadequate... i feel that at my age at 22, i am in need of fun. i am in need of what he had been through before. i feel jealous... why am i taken off all the fun that i am deserved of... just why the hell... do i need to behave like i'm 30 when i'm only 22? why do i talk and think like i'm so old, when i'm not. why am i endowed with a bit more maturity instead of more impulsiveness?

i hate the fact that i am isolated by my situation. because of such stupid factors that detered my need to be wild, for even a while, i'll be satisfied.

for once, to be really true to myself...

i really need to party. i'm sorry. but internally, i feel really terrible to be a mature, good, sensible, practical girl. i feel suppressed... really, very, suppressed.

it just makes me feel like crying.

why the hell am i deprived of what i should have?!

wtf...

i'm damn confused and really, i really feel angry of myself. no one else to blame, no?

Labels: haiz...