at lewis's house now...
All that happened yesterday, turned into my surrender towards guilt and a last respect to myself. Both are on different sides itself, tearin' me from left to right as usual. What make things different is I took a stronger stand towards self-respect. I must stand firm to my own decisions, my own rights and ideas. The hurting part towards mother, father and sister, is me dying to deviate from them. It cause a great bulk of guilt piling on my back and head.
I call this growing up, a part of growing. I do not understand how did I let my parents take over my "life" as an adult. Going home super early... cannot overnights... cannot go club... cannot mahjong... cannot ths cannot that... cannot meet boyfriend frequently... cannot talk too loud, cannot be firm on my own decisions must ask them first... I CANNOT accept this way of dictation anymore!
First thing to note:
I've grown up. I need my degree for my future. Fact is that i need to fend for myself to getting this goal done. I cannot contribute so much and spend so little on myself. I cannot feel balanced when I know I've given my big share of salary to you and u complained its still too little.
My suggestion is: If it's not enough, you can earn some yourself too. I find no problem in you getting out of the society to work though, you are only 46 yrs old. Don't behave like u're 64. YOU ARE NOT!
Second thing to note:
Decision wise, I take care of the consequence. But of course before getting there, I would have made a sound judgement before deciding. I wouldn't have decided on anything so freely and easily which its consequence is detrimental and will cause anyone except myself to be able to shoulder.
Third thing to note:
Please stop your stupid hallucinations and all the crap ideas. It's killing me alright? You and I want a HOME. Which means, a place to feel comfortable of, a place to relax and feel protected. Why the hell are you doing so much to chase me off?
Simply, I got feedbacks like these from YOU!
- I got lewis so I got a shield alr. I can be defiant 100%
- I disowned my family. (WHAT THE FUCK?!)
- I disrespected you so you hated me to the core
- You hated Lewis just as much cuz u feel he's looking down on you.
- I am "BIG" and "Haolian + Haosiao" cuz we GOT car. (VAN OK?! and it's his FATHER'S)
- I do not have father and mother cuz I go out more than staying back.
- You said you wanted a family day. (IS IT POSSIBLE?!)
- I am shit.
There are more that saddens me so much i shadn't say. Family day? Staying more at home? Is it possible??? How I tried ah, but simply, I will be taken to punch or scold. For no apparent reasons at all cuz I really really REALLY, am just doing my own stuff and not causing much troubles to them.
The argument of yesterday is because of my rubbish bags I placed outside in the living room. No space in my room ok? Besides, I told my sister I will be dealing with those rubbish on a Sunday. I told my mother to not touch the rubbish as I will clear it on my own. In the end she cleared it and said i anyhow throw stuff. Unbelieveably, I threw stuff that is really not in working condition or it's just pure rubbish, or it's too old (although can use still but we got too many things that can be used). She nags nvm.
She kept accusing me of being too rich and waste money like water. Even stuff that i kept from secondary school she wanna scold me for wasteful? COme on. Old stuff gone, new stuff den can come in. Why keep so much rubbish and when YOU DON'T USE IT TOO? Said "you" won't give me stuff anymore is ok de.
Then I told her something that spited her I don't know "why" exactly. I merely told her that the garang guni money remember to pass back to me as I keep my room like crazy. She turned really fedup and angry and said I am calculative with her, and said she never even thought of those, and said I never thanked her for packing up and "vetting" those rubbish before garang guni comes!
After that, I told her i needn't thank her, cuz I never asked her for help. She helped me on her own accord. But it's true, logically speaking, I really never wanted her to help me, cuz it cause a lot of trouble. I truly wanted to clear it up on my SUNDAY.
I believe I was truly wrong in saying those cuz of "timing problem". She went as far as saying those stupid stuff (refer above to bullets), and even chase me to get married. Nvm. She even said I am not part of the family. Nvm. SHE EVEN CHASED ME OUT! WTF.
Fine. SO out i go, and I went overnight for Mahjong. Dad called me up and fucked me. FOR WHAT? You chased me off, alright? I'M AN ADULT? ok?
'You' sent me an sms said I am disowning the family. I think you're ridiculous. 'You' also said I had greatly disappointed you all after I got lewis. I feel that it's more rubbish. OK? Nothing changed except 'you'. 'Your' expectations on me. OK?
Get a LIFE. Stop giving me these kind of mental abuse. It's really enough. I'm at my limits. Don't go on further anymore, I will break apart and perhaps, I cannot bring myself to forgive anymore. Outside of lying to 'you', I will spell out all the truths to 'YOU' then. 'You' won't be able to take it. But, by then, I won't care much.
Labels: breaking.
