I'm sorry hun... :( 

Really, I can feel that the devil within me is dying to be back. As impatience took over, I got easily heated and really, I cannot stand such uncontrollable irate feeling overtaking the love I'm feeling for a person. If there's anything I had ever hated and despised myself, it will be this feeling. To be very sure, this impatience that I had in me is brewing it's deep seated hatred for "uselessness". Without a job, you lose your identity. I began to take Lewis for granted. If it hadn't happened, it's threatening to. If it had happened, I'm gonna put a stop to it. Either ways, the last thing I will ever hope/ wish/ pray/ prevented/ control / cut off ties/ change for is to NOT be back to being an unreasonable bitch. Whatever reasons that happened to land me up in being one before is no longer a reason. I hate that "some part in me" is beginning to take things for granted.

No. Lewis did not blame me. He loves me and he feels that it's ok, so long as i apologise, etc. Although I was spared from his exposure of hurt feelings, I definitely cannot forgive myself for my bad attitude I displayed just now. 

-- I was in Bedok, on a cab, on my way to Lewis's. However, as the cab went round and round the area I began to feel really frustrated. The meter's jumping. No, i'm not blaming the cabby for going rounds. I really REALLY abhor the structure of the roads in bedok north. It sucks. So I was on my way, to pick Lewis up to another location. We're going to get the car there. However, Lewis told me he was waiting outside BLK 503. He was near the "main road". Waited there for my convenience (yes, and I knew it but I thrashed him like that... damn myself!) so that i do not need to turn in and out. THOSE ROADS. THOSE ROADS SUCK! I was in and out of the carpark, den down at his block at 508, few times. Really. Trying to locate 503 was as hard as getting the meter to jump another $3. So halfway as I called Lewis I lost all patience. (I thought to myself why Lewis was making things so difficult he might as well wait at his block... DAMN myself more... I even blamed him over the fone!) The few calls made already was of really ugly attitude. Lewis still sounded chirpy and happy though. Then, the last call I made, I shouted really loud in the cab... "GET TO UR BLOCK NOW LA! THE ROAD TURN ROUND AND ROUND CANNOT FIND U! FUCK LA!" 

........................

i can't believe i did this. what's took over me?

 

Although he still sounded ok, and happy to see me...

 

I know, i'm a rotten personality. It's shown to myself as I mirrored. I'm spoilt rotten.

the ending?

Lewis send me back home of course, he still hugs me and loves me. I'm very sorry. 

-as i tell myself inside. i will not be the same rotten me again.

Labels: spoilt/ rotten.